The Killer Fairies of Gponpewofnland
by Tigerlily-Tinuviel
Summary: One day the poncing Legolas is having a picnic alone...or is he? Heaps of scary scenes, not recommended for adults over 90
1. A Picnic of Doom

Legolas pulled out his salad sandwich. It looked yummy with extra lettuce, because if he had more than 2 slices of tomato then he would add 0.000001 of a kg to his diet. So not good.  
  
But then as he was just pondering on the thought of adding that much weight, he heard a rustle of grass with his sharp ears. He turned, but nothing was there. Probably just a stupid orc, he thought. But wait a sec, don't orcs kill elves? Yes, they do. Run Legolas, run for your life. Or perhaps just go back to your sandwich. He took the second option.  
  
But then the fairies from Gponpewofnland came out of their hiding spot with butter knives and scissors, and a pot of peanut butter. They crept up behind the happy elf and suddenly started cutting his hair off and smearing it with peanut butter. He screamed at them and tried to pull them off but they were too fast! And then the chief shoved a butter knife in his foot. He cried in pain but it was too late. He was dead. The fairies yelled and cheered because they had finally killed their gay attraction...Legolas and his curves were so over. 


	2. Bitch Fights and Hippy Chicks

Hey guys, thanx for the reviews, I thought I would get none coz it's so wacko! Anyway, here's the second instalment, and I'd just like to say a special thankyou to Ava (aka Luna), one of my best friends for being the hippy in my story!  
  
The very next day, an Elven Messenger arrived in Gondor with an urgent call for help, "Aragorn, Legolas is dead! I saw him still as a log, lying on the grass!"  
  
Aragorn replied immediately, "Was there any evidence of a killer? Were there any footprints or pieces of proof?" But then he stopped as the messenger pulled out from his pink Hello Kitty purse, a long golden braid smeared with peanut butter.  
  
"I found it just next to him sir" he said as he handed it to Aragorn. He stared at it and then replied, "Some new devilry is at work here, I think they have returned. Come, Elf dude of Mirkwood, help me on to my horse. I am growing fatter every day and I cannot lift myself too far off the ground."  
  
A few minutes later, the messenger came out of the stables with a dislocated shoulder and a rather squashed nose, yelling,"The King of Gondor is dead! I was lifting him onto his horse when suddenly something tiny and orange zipped past me and chopped his head off with a butter knife!" The crowd was shocked! They asked,"But why do you have such bad injuries?"  
  
He replied," That's from when Aragorn landed on me....wow I need stronger armour"  
  
Arwen and Eowyn suddenly stared at each other, and then Arwen started crying,"It was Eowyn! She's small! She's got orange hair!"  
  
"Have not, stupid elf chick, it's blonde" Eowyn snapped back  
  
"Same thing, either way, you're not immortal or pretty or an elf – all the things I am!" she replied in a sniffy tone with a flick of her dark locks before storming off. But then suddenly Eowyn charged and grabbed her hair and pulled her down to the floor. Arwen squealed in pain, while punching Eowyn in the eye. Eowyn punched back, then Arwen got up and did a massive high kick kung-fu move.  
  
"Where the hell did you learn that, Mrs Prissy?" Eowyn asked, shocked at her hidden talent.  
  
"A girl's-PUNCH-got to-PUNCH-do what a-PUNCH-girl's got to do" Arwen yelled while punching Eowyn's head into a statue. Just as Eowyn was about to punch her back, she heard a voice behind her say,"Stop dude, it ruins the vibes of the atmosphere"  
  
She turned to see a girl standing there, casually leaning against a pillar – but not just any girl. She was wearing a rainbow checked skirt with a red shirt that looked as if it got lost in a paint factory. Splattered with red, orange, yellow, and pink, it looked so 70's that she would have one a costume prize for that moment. Her hair was brown, long, and permed wonkily; it seemed as though she hadn't brushed it for years. But the most interesting thing about her was the headband around her crown, with the words 'Make peace or rest in peace'. Eowyn and Arwen just stared at her. What in Middle-earth was a hippy doing here?  
  
"Hi, I'm Ava...but my hippy name is Luna, because I am the goddess of the moon. It's wicked cool man" the girl replied to their puzzled faces. Arwen pulled herself together, then said,"Oh, hi Ava, I'm Queen Arwen of Gondor and this is..." she trailed off to think of a really evil name for Eowyn,"This is Blondie. She's my lady-in-waiting, like a servant sort of thing."  
  
Eowyn fumed at Arwen's rudeness and replied, "Actually, my name is Eowyn, and I'm heir to the throne of Rohan" before shooting an evil glance at Arwen.  
  
"So, Ava, where do you come from?" Arwen asked politely, trying to keep things happy with this weirdo.  
  
"Oh well, uh, there's this place called Australia, and uh, well it's not here. Like I was listening to this record of Traffic, which is like the most awesomest band ever, and like dancing in the living room with my new roller skates, and then I sort of fell asleep and then I woke up here so Yeh" Ava replied sheepishly.  
  
"Um what's a band? And what are roller skates? I've never heard of these words before" Eowyn said. Before they knew it, Eowyn and Arwen were talking rapidly to the hippy about life in Australia and Gondor and asking her questions till sunset. 


	3. Blonde Queens and Dead Kings

Hey pplz, thanx for the reviews, but I wont put up the next chapter if you don't review!!! (Like you care anyway, you're probably hoping I don't put up the next chapter coz it's so bizarre). Anyway, special thanx to Vicki, Amanda and Teagan, three of my best buddies, for being in my story!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------  
  
(In Rivendell)  
  
"Lady Amanda, you are most unjust. Will you not let me borrow you lipstick? Is it that hard to be a nice elf for a change?" asked Elrond, frustrated with his sister's selfishness. He knocked on the door again. No answer.  
  
"I know you're in there! You just don't want me to find you doing something –"But he stopped as someone tapped him on the shoulder. He swivelled on the spot to see what it was, but it was too late. His head was already off his neck.  
  
Lady Amanda stormed out of the bathroom 10 minutes later, still applying lipstick, and found his head on the floor. She peered at it for a moment, then said, "I'm sorry I don't lend my lipstick to dead people" Too blonde to figure what she had just said, she walked off to dinner with the twins.  
  
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(In Rohan)  
  
"Tomato sauce stains? As if! It was such a poopy stain!" yelled the cleaner. Eomer walked off, embarrassed. Poopy stains were so hard to cover up, even with excuses like tomato sauce. And no one was around when he did it, so what was all the fuss about?  
  
He sat down under his favourite tree in the Rohan wilderness, thinking about all the murders that had gone on since the day Legolas died. Then it was Aragorn, then Elrond. They'd killed all the royals – was he next? Oh yes. Little did Eomer know that he was being watched by the evil killer fairies of Gponpewofnland...  
  
"Ok, here's the plan. We wait till he falls asleep, then we kill him. It could look like and accident! "whispered the chief fairy, by the name of Vicki.  
  
"But Vicki, how would you kill yourself in your sleep?" asked the secretary Teagan.  
  
"Ummm...y'dunno. Oh well, who cares, let's just kill the idiot before he gets away!" replied Vicki, leaving Teagan very confused. She gave the signal, then –  
  
"AAAAARGH" and Eomer's chest had a butter knife through it, and his hair was smeared with peanut butter.  
  
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(In Rivendell)  
  
"Since your dad is like...dead, and like I'm like your auntie...like that makes me queen!!!!!" pronounced Lady Amanda at the dinner table.  
  
Elrohir and Elladan were confused – weren't they the heirs to the throne?  
  
"Let's check his will, I'm sure we're the heirs," replied Elladan snappily. He grabbed for the parchment scroll on the mantelpiece, which read:  
  
I hereby pronounce all these things yours dear friends:  
  
Mummy – my purple dress with the pink flowers on it. Daddy – my 'How to Tie Elven Knots' book and my ring Nenya. Amanda – my entire make-up collection. Elladan – my weapons. Elrohir – my furniture. Aragorn – my library, which mainly focuses on Elvish fashion. Arwen – the kingdom.  
  
"WHAT? SHE CAN'T HAVE THE KINGDOM! SHE'S ALREADY GOT HER OWN STUPID STONE PALACE!" roared Elladan, fuming at his father's decision. He grabbed his mobile and furiously dialled Arwen's number.  
  
"ARWEN? Good. You know Ada has left you Rivendell in his will? Uh-huh. Yep. Cool – WHAT? YOU CAN'T LET HER DO THAT? Oh but please, I really want it! Please??? Fine, be that way!" Elladan hung up the phone, looking as if he'd just run the elf marathon.  
  
"Well, you got your way at least!" he said sniffily to Amanda. She looked up in excitement. She was going to rule Rivendell!!! Finally, she could get rid of the twins! Finally, after all those long years she could ponce around in her underwear without anyone seeing her! Aah, sheer bliss was a fantastic thing... 


End file.
